So I usually don't use our blog as a venue for expressing my deeper thoughts. I seem to use it more as a photo journal instead. But, the house is quiet (Justin is camping with the girls this weekend) and the baby is sleeping and I am contemplating a few things. I seem to keep coming back to the same thought lately and I want to see if anyone can shed some light on it for me. Or maybe by writing it down, I can shed some light on it myself. Why do we insist on finding the negative aspects of each other and focusing on them. Why do we speak unkindly about others to our friends? Why is it easier to do that than to find nice things to say? Why are we intolerant of each other's flaws or actions? Why do we care? Why can't we just let people be? This sounds so negative. I know that there is much kindness and love in the world. But I am thinking right now about this "syndrome" of "speaking unkindly". I've noticed that it seems to start at an early age (I didn't know the "mean girl" syndrome hit as early as first grade, but apparently it does) and seems to continue throughout our lives. I've been really feeling a push lately to focus on kindness and tolerance. I think because my kids are at an age where I really am pushing this with them and I'm realizing that every thing I say in their presence affects the way they see the world. When they hear me being intolerant of flaws I seem to find in others, this gives them license to do the same. I want so much to be able to dismiss the negative and focus on the positive in my relationships with others. I want others to do this with me too because I know I have much to work on. Tell me how you do this, I want your thoughts!
Sunday, May 24, 2009
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One of the great flaws all who want to be better must wrestle to the ground. The Germans have a term -- schadenfreude -- which seems to nail it, "the perverse pleasure one enjoys in someone else's misfortune". I don't think you can discuss pride, w/o considering competition, which leads so often to not just winning, but making certain your opponent loses. Bug, let us know the answer when you figure it out.
back in our MTC days, you were the first person that pointed out to me that i did just that. and it was a huge thing for me. literally, changed how i thought about things.
now, for the rest of your thoughts, sadly, it's a natural man thing, and i struggle with it daily. what helps me to keep my mouth shut and to focus on the good is to take my frustrations to God. (i learned this in the best book ever: without offense by john lund. i LOVE it.) i come from a critical mother, and it is comes out of my mouth faster than i realize. taking my frustrations to God helps me to take people my love instead of my bad attitude, criticisms, etc.
our kids are going to encounter all kinds of yuck in school, and even sometimes in church. we just have to do the best we can. and love. while sometimes difficult, love is the answer. "all we need is love" right? although probably not the way the beatles meant it. :)
Bug,
Just like everyone, this is my biggest struggle. I have really been trying to work on this the last few years and have found that the most important thing that I do every day is to get on my knees and plead for help specifically for this one thing - "help me to love others as You do, and treat them as You would." I have such a long way to go, but this daily session with Heavenly Father is a daily reminder of what I am striving for. And He teaches us that if we ask, we will receive. I believe that as we do our part He will keep this promise. I also have surrounded myself with good people who set such good examples for me. (Except for in political discussions), I never hear my friends gossip or put anyone else down or say unkind things about others. How can I do those things when those I am with don't? It is such a positive environment to exist in, and I really want to contribute to that rather than destroy it.
I think you are too hard on yourself. You are one of the most positive and uplifting and sunny person I know. You are one of my inspirations, for sure.
You are so great Lanie! You really are a very positive person which is why I love more than anything to hang out with you!! It is hard for me if I hang around with people who are negative to not join in sometimes. Then I always feel so bad about it. It is really unfortunate when really good women in all other aspects put people down. I wish everyone would always just be kind to everyone! Really, why should we really care? Don't we have enough to worry about without having to worry about what everyone else is doing "wrong"?
Sorry, I guess I wasn't done....:) I also have seen the mean girl thing starting in kindergarten and agree with you completely that we have to teach our children. We all know that a great way to teach our children is by example, and showing living a positive life. One thing that has worked for me in the past when I have tried to fix something - like trying to find the positive instead of the negative in what my kids do each day. If you pick one thing to work on and just try to keep it in your mind always, sure enough, when you are about to yell at your kid or say something that would put them down, this pops into your head that you aren't going to be negative and you can change your response to positive. I think I'm going to start working on finding the positive in everyone else and especially in my kids everyday and hopefully it will rub off on them. I bet it could change how you deal with a lot in your life. Anyway, too much from me...and who knows if it makes sense to anyone besides me :)
You are such a good example to me because I only hear you say kind things about people. Unfortunately I have a tendency to do the opposite and join others in the same. It's so frustrating because I consciously try not to. I like all of the suggestions that others have said. I guess I will keep trying and turn to my Heavenly Father for help.
Oh, nice post Lari! I think how we speak about others is an indication about how we feel about ourselves. I know that the better I feel about myself, the more generous and forgiving I am towards others. I think having genuine experiences with the atonement also help. The more we feel loved and forgiven of our own faults and weaknesses, the more likely we are to extend that same forgivness to others and look at them as a whole person instead of that one really annoying characteristic.
Hmmm, deep thoughts Lanie. I think that if we could rid the world of comparison then it would be such a better place to raise our kids. I think most criticism stems from 2 feelings, 1., that someone hurt us & we are trying to justify our feelings or make ourselves feel better & 2. People have an innate ability to compare themselves with everyone they meet & in response try to lift themselves up by putting someone else down. If only we just didn't care if someone was better, wiser, richer, smarter, more beautiful... If only we'd realize that everyone carries a burden & goes through trials... That at the core we're children of God.
HMMMM, anyway, what I really meant to say is, Happy Anniversary! 9 years...very funny, that would make 10 years for us, then. I still remember bringing my 3 week old newborn to your beautiful wedding & she just got baptized this month! My how time flies! What a wonderful couple & family you are!
Hi cutie! You post has really made me think. I think the best thing we can teach our kids compassion. But that is so hard when they are so young! I try to talk through their frustrations with their friends and try to get them to understand that people come from all different kinds of families and situations. On the flipside I try to point out that their actions can really hurt others. The other day Vie came home from school complaining about her teacher. She said she has been so mean and grouchy and she hates it when she teaches (she has 2 teachers) Anywho, I explained to her that she's been sick and her doctor doesn't know what is wrong with her. Thats stressful, and teaching second graders is stressful and the best thing she can do is be patient, extra kind, and supportive. That was an eyeopener for her. We can be quick to judge, but maybe we should try walking in that person's shoes before we make up our minds about them. I don't know, it's tricky! Love you Lanes! Miss you like crazy!
Thank you everyone for your great comments. It has helped a lot. It's something I'm sure I will continue to work on forever but hopefully it will get easier and easier!
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